Tea party etiquette for new parents
My daughter will turn two this summer and has reached the age where she keenly interested in having tea parties. Having attended several of these functions, and in honour of this Victoria Day weekend, I like to share some of her etiquette tips that I can only assume will arrive in a bookstore near you in 20 years:
In planning the social gathering, a lady must choose her guest list carefully to ensure the highest standards of stimulating conversation. Preference is given to stuffed rabbits, miniature Sesame Street figurines and empty shopping bags.
Once a guest list has been decided upon, a lady must notify her invited guests that a tea party approaches by dumping her basket of assorted pots and dishware onto the floor.
In terms of attire, ladies shall remove their socks prior to being served. Gentlemen will need to put on hat (note: may not be a hat).
The two most commonly accepted lengths for a tea party are 1 hours and 17 seconds.
In keeping with Victorian era tradition, each tea party shall be preceded by a shouting of the alphabet.
A host(ess) must ensure that six unnecessary cups and saucers are prep asics trainers ared at all times.
After brewing several pots of delicious tea, it is customary for the lady of the house to present her father with the creamer and politely pose the question, it? Drink it? Drink it? Daddy, drink it? Drink? Drink it? Drink it? The l asics trainers ady father must realize that his cries for logic will fall on de asics trainers af ears and just drink the damned cream.
A good rule of thumb: if you think you stirred something enough, stir it 49 more times.
It is considered rude to ask the host asics trainers (ess) what kind of tea it is. It tea. That what kind.
At the discretion of the host, one or more of the invited guests may be instructed to take a nap over the course of the tea party. The guest is reminded to keep their eyes closed at this time.
A guest will risk offending their host with any fewer than 27 audible slurps per cup of tea.
To indicate the conclusion of the gathering, cups and saucers are to be swatted across the room by the lady of the house shortly before making her hasty exit to look at the magnets on the fridge.
Guests are encouraged to tidy the sitting room and excuse themselves.
Invitations to the next social gathering, via overturned basket of tea cups and saucers, will arrive as soon as the floor has been cleaned.